I’ve actually driven an ALPINA XB7 on track back in November of last year, at Monticello, which is a bit like saying I took a cruise ship down a water slide. During my track time with it, I was actually a bit disappointed, even for my relatively low expectations. The XB7 is the size of a bus and weighs twice as much, so I didn’t really think it would handle well on track. And still, I felt it wallowed too much and did not seem to like me pushing it hard. But there’s a caveat. We were told over the walkie talkies kept in the door bins of the car to not play with any settings — just get in and drive. And I don’t think my car was setup properly.
When I had the car on the road, I had time to fiddle with settings. I created my own Sport Individual setting, with most aspects of the car set in their sportiest settings, and the air suspension set to the lowest it would go. Set up like that and the ALPINA XB7 became a hilarious, playful rhinoceros. It still never felt like a sports car, it’s just too big and heavy for that, but it was miles more fun than I remembered it being and far more fun than an SUV of its size should be.
Does the ALPINA XB7 handle with the brand’s signature athleticism? Not really, to be honest. ALPINA did a great job with the chassis and suspension tuning of the XB7, making it tighter and more controlled than the X7, while still retaining a lot of its comfort. But there’s only so much you can do to combat physics. Sir Isaac Newton won’t be denied and, as good as the XB7 is, it’s still a massively tall, incredibly heavy SUV and such vehicles just aren’t super engaging to drive.
Admittedly, its steering is more accurate than almost any other SUV, its front end is sharp for an SUV, and it will cling on to corners harder than you think it can. Still, its main party trick is how quickly it covers terrain.
Most of its fun comes from its engine. ALPINA always works magic with BMW engines and the XB7’s is no different. The 4.4 liter twin-turbo V8 supplied by BMW was given a complete tear down and overhaul. That meant new pistons, intake manifold, turbochargers, intercoolers, and an engine to, and that’s not even all of it. The results are 612 horsepower and 590 lb-ft of torque. It’s an absolute masterpiece of an engine; smooth, infinitely powerful, and even quite sonorous. It was also capable of turning my eyeballs into paste against the back of my skull, despite carrying around enough weight to sink an aircraft carrier. What a thing.